Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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