FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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