My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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