and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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