Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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