also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
