I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
