More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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