Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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