Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
