apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
