Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The best revenge is premature balding
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
