Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize