i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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