I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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