oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
