It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
