I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the condom got lost in my hair
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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