that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
