apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
