Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
