i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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