I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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