Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
