just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize