when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
