i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
