he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
