I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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