oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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