he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
