There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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