I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
