i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
