"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
