I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
