I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize