I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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