who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
