I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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