my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
