Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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