Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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