I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
