Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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