Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
