youre lurking in front of me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
