Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
