Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
