Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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