I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
