at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
