Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
