My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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