I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize