He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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