i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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