I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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