but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You are the jesus of drinking
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
