Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
