You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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