Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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