with your own penis?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
