see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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