My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I stole a fireplace last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
