how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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