one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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