Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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