I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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