I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
