oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
