remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
