if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
